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shelovesletters

[ website | collaborative writing piece between my Master and i ]
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29th [29 Oct 2007|03:41pm]
It's almost over, Wednesday to be exact.

I can't help but wonder what will happen next though.

Will things go back to the way they were, will they be better? worse?

This time there isn't anything between us, there isn't anything that could stop us from being together - except maybe us.

And I wonder how that will work.

I wonder if I am enough.

I wonder if the whole me, the real true and flawed me, will be enough.

I worry that it won't.

That the truth of it all will be too much for either of us.

That we only worked before, because of the things that kept us apart.

There was always that little bit that said we can never really be together, and now it's gone.

Will the loss of that separation be too much?
1 love letters| do you?

25th [25 Oct 2007|11:03am]
one more week
do you?

23rd [23 Oct 2007|01:24am]
sometimes during this separation i wonder if he's thinking of me.

If he yearns to talk to me again the way i do with him

if he is counting down each day that passes waiting for the day when we can talk again

when this desire to know gets too great, he always surprises me

first it was videos he'd made of his apartment

then a post on the blog

then roses

and now another post

he takes such good care of me, even when we're not able to talk

even when we're both still counting down the days

and it makes it a little easier to know that somewhere out there several states away is someone doing the same things i am.

crossing off days on a calendar and waiting for that day to finally arrive.
do you?

20th [21 Oct 2007|12:17am]
Less than 2 weeks to go now.

I started a new job this week.

It keeps be busy while I'm there

And when I'm not, I'm too exhausted to do much else.

It's helped a bit with the missing him, can't pine away for someone if you don't have time for it.

Of course the times I do have are still there, and my friends are asking about him now.

I never really told them much about him before, it would have been too much explaining and I wasn't ready for that yet.

But now ... I don't want to hide anything about this, I certainly won't go completely into detail with them, but I want to be honest with them, even if it means getting weird looks and stuff. So far they've been pretty supportive.

We'll just wait and see what they say about the age difference though.
1 love letters| do you?

11th [11 Oct 2007|03:23pm]
exactly 3 weeks from today and this will all be over ... why does that seem like forever?
1 love letters| do you?

6th [07 Oct 2007|01:39am]
Just checked the old blog ... got into the habit of that, hoping maybe he'd update

i hate not talking, plain and simple

thought i was being silly, even considered making a blog post about the silliness of looking for an entry i am almost positive won't be there

and then there it was

not much, just a small note, 2 sentences.

but goodness

it's enough for now, just to know that he's still out there, still thinking about the possibility of us.


----

I am sure I sound pretty emo in these entries, but i don't really care enough what anyone else thinks about them.

I just want to write what I'm thinking about during these weeks that we'll be apart, I want to have a record of this, for me ... and maybe for him if he wants it. But I want a place where I can see the things I'm thinking, where I can go back and see them, and see how my thoughts evolve over these weeks.

For a person like me, 5 weeks is a long time. Long enough for major changes in all aspects of my life, and I just want to make sure that this area is saved.

So yeah ... that's what this is.

It's for me, So I have a place to vent when I need it, and a place to work out my thoughts and my emotions in ways that I can't in others.

and I don't know why I feel the sudden need to explain myself, especially when there is probably only one other person besides myself reading these at the moment - but there you have it.
1 love letters| do you?

5th [06 Oct 2007|01:11am]
it has been 12 days since we stopped talking

it feels like 3 weeks

there are 25 more days to go

its gonna feel like years before this is all over
do you?

30th [30 Sep 2007|06:07pm]
This time of separation has made things seems much more real to me.

Not that things weren't real before all our drama, and not that they haven't been real these past few months.

But now

Now if this works out, if we manage to make this work after this period of separation is over, then there won't be anything that is keeping us apart.

No little things in our lives that keep us apart, it will just be he and i.

And that realization just makes things seem much more real, and much scarier than it ever was before.

I mean, if this works, then sometime in the near future we'll finally get to meet in person, we'll finally have that moment that we've both been dreaming of for years now, it'll be ours to hold and experience.

And then he'll finally see me for what i am.

And all I can think is that he'll hate it, it's one thing to love someone as an idea, and a person behind a screen, but what happens when that barrier is removed. What happens when the delay of online disappears and all that is left is me?

I don't know that I'll be able to stand up to this image of myself that has been formed over the years that we've known each other - despite things like pictures, and webcams, and the phone. All of those things have a certain degree of separation that real life lacks.

So it just worries me.

I am worried that once i finally do get to see him, he won't want me.
1 love letters| do you?

26th [26 Sep 2007|11:45pm]
It's been sometime since I've written here.

After everything fell apart earlier this year, there was no need.

No Master to write to, no Master to write for.

That has not changed, I am still very much on my own - now more than ever it seems.

He is taking a break - from me

So he can make sure he is his own man, that he can be the sort of man that I deserve - or something like that.

I just miss him

You don't realize how much you love talking to someone until you can't anymore - and not just that you can't talk to them for the weekend, or you can write them an email that will be responded to later, but you can't talk to them. They're just gone.

Even when everything fell apart, he was still there, still there for me to cry with and comfort and laugh with, he was there for me to be mad at and to cling to desperately.

And now he's gone

I know this will be good, that if we end up together again after this, it will be stronger and more beautiful than anything we had before, but this time now.

This time in between

It sucks.
1 love letters| do you?

at the beginning [29 Nov 2005|12:05am]
The beginning of a collaborative piece between my Master and I.

The best place to start is at the beginningCollapse )
1 love letters| do you?

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